Introductión + Time to go

I don’t know why I am writing this. If it’s to remember those adventurous, beautiful days, or too never forget the specific details that sometimes get lost in the past, either way this is it. I’ve started to remember those days in Cambodia, my eyes have began to get red, and I can feel a smile form on my face, so gentle and so real, I find myself giggling. Too fully understand this experience we must go back to the beginning.

Introduction

My name is Maria Holschneider and I volunteered for 5 months in Cambodia, it’s hard to explain the feeling I get when I look back. I was 18, not sure of anything in life, I had just graduated from high school, and had spent a month traveling Europe with my 7 best friends. I was living in an un real world, where everything seemed beautiful, nothing could possibly go wrong, everyday was like being an 8 year old in Disneyland, every meal melted in my mouth, every second was an experience I would always remember, every moment of frustration, went away faster than I could say “go away”, but it was time to say goodbye, this trip unfortunately could not go on forever. At that moment I thought nothing, I mean nothing could ever beat that trip; nothing in my life would ever be better than that past month.

Boy was I wrong!!

Time to go.

Saying goodbye to my friends was harder than I had imagined, not only because it was going to be the longest I had been away from them, or because in this past month we had become closer than ever, but mainly because they were going home to begin college, and this meant our lives would slowly start to take different paths and to be perfectly honest this scared me. So as I sat there on a black cushion, that seemed to be designed to fit perfectly with my body, with my red jacket on my lap, and my newly cut hair in a messy bun, waiting for the beautiful lady dressed in dark blue, with slick long brown hair, tied perfectly in a high ponytail, to start boarding the plane, I thought to my self, what have I done? Is it too late to turn back?

I get this weird sensation just thinking about that moment, were everyone, and everything was moving, and I just sat there, my body completely frozen, and my mind somewhere else. As if I were on drugs, and I just stopped, I couldn’t get rid of that image of my friends waving at me, and I started to cry, as I tried to stop, it got worse. The tears were rolling down my cheeks, one after the other. I began to breath deeper and deeper, trying to control these tears of desperation. People began to stare; I could feel the red flourish on my cheeks. And there I was all alone in this huge airport, filled with people in a rush, to get somewhere, everyone pacing, all of these people but none seemed to fix this uncertainty.

Flight number 100, to Ho Chi Min City is now boarding. Shit this just got real, get up Maria, its time to fly, you’ve convinced everyone this is what you wanted; well here you are get up!!

I had spent the last 8 months convincing everyone around me that volunteering was my dream, that Cambodia was were this dream would prosper, and that I needed to go. But sitting there all alone, with my ipad being my only company, things started to seem real. And this frightened me, as images started flashing before my eyes, I began to sink, all those discussions of what I was going to do, how I should do it, all seemed so foolish now, my mom telling me to be careful with this or with that, this all seemed so distant, there sitting alone all of these “tips” became insignificant. Nothing would help me overcome, this feeling of bold reality.

“Lady are you going to board” this funny looking flight attendant, took me out of my daydream, “yes sorry ma’am, I’m ready”.  

The plane ride was as quick as could possibly be. I sat next to a French couple that were about my parents age, although we tried to communicate it was really hard, she couldn’t speak English or Spanish and I couldn’t speak French, so as the plane went on, we just laughed and tried to figure out each others sign language. They were quite a fun couple; they would jump over me to not wake me if they needed to go to the bathroom. My seat would start to shake, and as I opened my eyes I would have a man completely hovered over me, and I would quickly say I’m sorry I’ll move, he would just laugh and say its ok, ill jump over.

The plane ride to Phnom Penh went by much slower; it was a smaller plane, and I’m pretty sure I was the only tourist. I must admit it is quite strange to board a plane filled with a different culture. The man beside me must have found me weird looking, cause he stared at me the whole way. I couldn’t wait to arrive.

….

POPPING BUBBLES

I have been in cambodia for over a month and a half, my time is going quite fast. But I can truthfully say that not one day has been wasted, and that every day, every expierience teaches you about life, in a way that only life knows

These past couple months have made me relize that the world is not a pink bubble where life is beautiful and everyone whats to help each other with no reward in return, NO.

The world is a cruel cruel place, people take advantage of those who have no means to defend or protect themselves. 

Ambicion consumes us until we have lost all of our humanity, money gives us nothing but mortal pleasure and for what? To be able to participate in consumerism.

But we all fall for it we all belive we need expensive cars, and tv's, and we all think that we deserve it, and that it will make us happy. But it never does, so we think that its cause we didn't get the best car, and we look at our neighbors and want what they have, we enter this "game" of who has the best life, who is happier, who has more things. No one enjoys playing, but we all still do.

As ashamed as I am I have to say that I am guilty of playing this "game" and the thing is you never win, no one ever does. "The grass on the neighbors yard is always greener", their will always be someone prettier than you, someone wealthier, and why would you care, how does that affect you? 

At the end of the day what truly makes us happy is not the cars and the phones it's making others happy. And how can you do this? You can help, you have no excuse to not help. I have no excuse to not help, my excuse has always been when I'm older, but why? Why not help now, in what little you can.

Its easy to look at someone who has more money than you and say "you should help more". But instead of looking at someone else you the person who is reading this YOU should help more, and don´t help so that others see that you help, help for yourself cause helping and making people see that they are worth something this is what will make you truly happy not your iphone or your bmw.

That happiness is not true happines, true happines comes from the heart and the only way of reaching it is through people, by helping them and loving them that is when you have truly done something important, that is when you have reached your true potential. 

And in that moment when you look back on your life and see all that you have done, that is when you reach inner peace, and for anyone who has already expierinced this knows that right then in that moment that is what happines is. That is what people are looking for in all the wrong places.

If you are sitting here reading and thinking, I'm too young to help or maybe I'm too old,or too poor, you know deep down that that is a lie, you are not too anything, you are you, and you can help more than you think if you set your mind to it. 

I'm too tired to keep going so I will leave it here for now.